We attended Devin’s senior class awards ceremony this morning followed by the senior luncheon. Lots of reminicing, hugs, tears. Lots of pride in our beautiful daughter, not for gettting the most scholarships or the highest awards or any of the accomplishments she did or could have received, but for being the wonderful, beautiful young lady she has become. Today really made me miss being a part of the school family and being a teacher and having that feeling of pride in every student that I contributed to where they are today. Don’t know how I will ever adjust to not teaching. Doesn’t seem possible today. The idea of not teaching makes me feel identity-less. Who am I if I’m not a teacher? With the kids getting older and going more and more out on their own, I feel less and less needed. I guess this is the beginning of empty nest syndrome. But ah, Devin, sweet Devin, she has done such a wonderful job of being a good student, a great person and a terrific and beautiful daughter inside and out. Upward and onward, my angel!
What now?
Good news! My claim for disability retirement has been approved! Bad news. Now what? I have always worked, so I don’t really know how to frame my life without the context of work of some sort. I enjoy (for the most part) teaching the online classes as they don’t require too much work, less stressful than brick-and-mortar teaching and they provided me with a sense that I am still working and therefore, contributing to society, my family’s income and if working, not worthless. I will not be able to continue teaching online in order to receive retirement benefits. I can’t really picture my life without working. I get bored easily and when boredom creeps in, so does depression and then follows anxiety. What will I do all day? How will my days go by if I don’t have work to focus on? Will I be able to find something else to occupy my time (writing and trying to get maybe a magazine article published? working on the book about George Ohr? Making pottery to sell? Something else that I have not even thought of yet?) and to give me some purpose besides laundry, cooking supper and keeping the house manageable. All of these questions frighten me a little bit, I’ll admit but I’m talking about them and my fears/worries with my husband and my therapist and I am going to choose to “trust the process” and hope that with time these things will work themselves out. It’s very painful right now, though, to have to quit a job I really like (another one) and step off into the great unknown of “retirement” at age 47.
On a good note, 24 days until we leave for our trip to Europe! I’m excited and I can feel the creeping approach of “trip anxiety”, that feeling I get whenever about to or embarking upon a trip. Have I planned everything well enough to prevent a disaster of missing a plane/train/bus? Do I know enough about where we are going to get us from point A to point B and survive (much less enjoy) the trip? Will all 5 of us be able to get along in Europe for 15 days? I sure hope so.
Just what’s on my mind today…
